Jobbie! Aye, ah said jobbie!

Oh, how my struggle with the idiosyncrasies of Scottish terminology sometimes causes me such embarrassment.

I had to deal with the worst customer today. He called up about a DVD order and he was so utterly rude and disrespectful.

When I phoned my assistant manager to explain the situation and warn her to expect either a phone call or email from this bizarre wrathful creature, she was shocked at his behaviour and empathized with my feelings that this man should be covered in bees.

“And I hope his next jobbie’s a hedgehog!” she exclaimed enthusiastically.
I could say nothing. Then, after a brief pause of consideration I turned to my trusty Cockney I learned so many years ago when I worked on the vineyard with Londoner Charlie.
“WOT?”

“I hope his next jobbie’s a hedgehog!”

Panic was starting to set in. She was already laughing hysterically so I knew it was supposed to be funny. My lack of understanding must have been clear because she took a deep breath between gasps of laughter to inform me further.
“I hope his next shite’s a hedgehog!”

Still quite lost. Somehow this man’s bathroom habits had gotten thrown together with the British gardener’s best friend.
There was nowhere else to turn. With me still whimpering incoherently into the phone she emphatically provided the most basic definition for the benefit of her hopeless foreign colleague.

“You know – spikey poos!”

Of course I responded in the only way my mind would allow me after such an idea is made so painfully clear.

“EEEWWwwwww!”

So, having forced this poor woman to succumb to uttering the words “spikey poos,” I thought I had better do some research into the word that had me so lost to begin with: Jobbie.

Here are a few of the definitions and examples I found through our friend, the Internet.

1. (Scottish usage) A poo poo. Variant spelling of joby. Plural is Jobbies.
"Ah feel better noo ahv dun a jobbie. "

2. Shite
"I need a whopping jobbie."

3. A childs word for shite.
"mummy, i need a jobbie"

4. Noun. Word used to describe almost anything when the speaker’s brain is not able to work as fast as the speaker’s mouth.
"You know...the jobbie with the things on it!!!No, no, no, not that, the jobbie, get that other jobbie thing."

5. Scottish word, means to poo or to generally do something.
a)"aye forced oot mah jobbie too quack and noo its down mah leg"b)"will someone help my open this jobbie"

6. Contrary to popular belief, the lexeme of Jobbie doesn't have anything to do with defecating. A jobbie can be a thing or place.
a) "I am trying to jimmy this jobbie open, but this jobbie won't jimmy." (OR, in ordinary English: I'm trying to pry this thing open, but this thing won't be pried.)b) "I'm all alone in this jobbie, No one knows if I'm nice or snobby..." (rhyming couplet)
According to another source, the term jobbie meaning shite is only used in a few parts of Scotland. Where jobbie as a synonym for 'thing' is fairly wide spread.

And so my education continues. On the weekend I learned how to fake my way through the Scottish pronunciation of “doesn’t,” which is just one of the many terms with which I have struggled. If you are a foreigner, then the trick, according to my kind instructor, is to say “Disneyland” but without the “land.”
Example: “That disnae look like Jimmy ta me.”
The other trick I am working on is to pronounce the word “food” but without the oo’s. Much harder than one would think.

Thus endeth the lesson. May all your skies be blue, and may all your jobbies be hedgehog-free.