Trust me to be the awkward one

My poor family. I've been receiving holiday cards and other treats from various family members and can only wince in embarrassment over their obvious feelings of awkwardness about my name.

Since I separated from Andrew, some have started using my maiden name again, so along with using the given name I grew up with, for me it is like looking at a name that should belong to someone else.

My poor cousin used my original name and then underneath it wrote my current name in brackets, with a question mark. No one knows what to call me. My father's parents still write Mrs in front of my name, while my mother has switched to using Ms.

Aren't I funny? Why couldn't I just be happy with the name I was given? The simple answer is that I never liked the way it felt in my mouth. Like two pancakes falling onto concrete. Splat splat.

Only my mother's father sometimes calls me Sophia in a playful way. Both he and Omi have expressed that they like the name. Well I like it too. I love the way it is round and swooping, like a little adventure rippling along my cheeks when I say it.

Most of my friends, while struggling to get used to my new name, have still made a genuine effort. Mikara kind of stopped half way and now calls me "So", which is fine with me. Her children even know me as Auntie So. I quite like it. Like someone hovering in the middle of a teeter totter. A moment of precious weightlessness. Nifer mostly just calls me "sweetie." Which is lovely as well.

What to do, what to do. I don't feel like my family should have to call me by my new name (which I have worn legally for nearly five years). I don't want to put people out. Sometimes I can only shake my head at myself in wonder. But then I think, strangeness is just like fairy dust if you look at it from the right angle. Just adding a little spice and rumba to things - that's me.

All the same, sorry! Sigh.